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Fog: Living in Shame

Fog: Living in Shame

We are continuing to look at shame and its ability to paralyze a man.  Once again, I became interested in writing a series on this topic after reading an article titled, “Turning Shame to Gold: Men Feeling Shame, Men Healing Shame”, by Dr. John Guarnaschelli.  I think it is important to write on this topic because I feel it is a common problem for men, particularly passive men.  The material may seem kind of dark and hopeless at times, but I think it can help us better understand how men think and the battles he may go through. As a man feels more and more trapped by his past, he begins to lose faith in the people he comes in contact with.  He feels isolated and is afraid to emotionally go to any places with confidence or that might feel unsafe.  Dr. Guarnaschelli describes this as, “he feels like a ‘fog’, and ‘lives in a fog.”  I think that is a good picture.  He has a lack of clear vision.  Every decision is clouded and all seem to have some amount of risk associated with them.  It may seem that as pressure may intensify to make a decision that the fog cloud becomes thicker and visibility is decreased that much more.  He may even lose sight of his identity.  He may lose confidence in his ability to make decisions that are solely his alone. Dr. Guarnaschelli describes this as “increasingly inhibiting, weakening, or invalidating the aspects of himself  that are unacceptable.  From one point of view, he reacts ‘depressively’ to protect himself from further insult.  From another, he has... read more
Icebergs: Paralyzed by Shame

Icebergs: Paralyzed by Shame

On our 10th wedding anniversary, I took my wife on a trip to Colorado.  I attended a conference the year before in Colorado Springs and fell in love with how beautiful the state was.  We had a wonderful trip and put a ton of miles on our rental car that week. One of the destinations in Colorado we stopped at that week was Ouray, Colorado.   If you are not familiar with Ouray, it is at the start of the Million Dollar Highway that goes to Durango.  Ouray is a unique place in that it sits in a valley surrounded by 360 degree views of the San Juan Mountains.  In any one spot you may be able to see several waterfalls off of the mountains, huge mountain ranges, and lots of natural hot springs tubs behind every hotel.  It fits the classic fairy tale picture. One of the unique things about Ouray is that there is one road that goes into the city from the north and goes out on the south.  The city sits in the valley like the bottom of a bowl with mountain peaks rising  completely solid in every direction.  It is like being in a paradise where it would appear that there is no obvious way out. Recently, I read a piece by Dr. John Guarnaschelli titled, “Turning Shame to Gold: Men Feeling Shame, Men Healing Shame.”  In the article, Dr. Guarnaschelli described what he called the “daily experience of Shame” with a picture that reminded me of Ouray. His description goes like this. “I am born with the potential for sailing the entire sea of... read more
The Respected Husband Blog is now the Peaceful Husband Blog

The Respected Husband Blog is now the Peaceful Husband Blog

Welcome to the Peaceful Husband Blog.  If you were looking for the Respected Husband Blog you are in the right place.  For a long time we have been considering moving the blogs from WordPress.com to a self hosted site.  We felt that with my wife’s book (The Peaceful Wife: Living in Submission to Christ as Lord) coming out in January that we wanted to have some more flexibility on what we could have on the blogs, a more professional website appearance, and have the potential to reach a larger audience. We reached out to a Christian blogging giant in Brent Riggs to help us get up and going.  I have Brent’s information up in the side bar for the Linky Blog and he is offering a free website to any of you who follow the link.  Just let him know that you came from the Peaceful Husband Blog.  You can find out more information by following the link. The new blog theme we will be using gives us a lot of flexibility to do some really neat things.  I plan to try to post more often and do a variety of different types of post on the new blog.  Please bear with us as we will be fine tuning the site a good bit through the first couple of weeks. So, why the name change from Respected Husband?  In moving from wordpress.com I needed to purchase a domain name and unfortunately www.respectedhusband.com was already taken and being used on another site.  A lot of people mistook the Respected Husband name as somehow saying I should be respected or demanded... read more
Understanding a Passive Husband during Conflict

Understanding a Passive Husband during Conflict

Sometimes, being a passive husband, I sit back and think about just how hard it must be for my wife to understand me.  I have so many quirky things about my personality and the way I communicate that in all reality probably do not make sense.  For many things, I react very much under the foreign language that could be called the “man code” system of honor and respect.  If that isn’t confusing enough, throw in my passive tendencies and you get a hyper version of honor and respect where most of the battles take place in my head and little comes out of my mouth.  It might be better described by saying that everything I say and do is extremely thought out and measured to cause the least conflict.  I protect the thoughts that go on in my head and I find security and safety in limiting how much knowledge I share.  Yea, see I told you it was pretty screwed up.  It cannot be easy for my wife to try to figure me out with all of that dysfunction going on.  Surprisingly, though, I find that many of you and many of the husbands of the wives that read her blog are very much like me. In a national survey conducted by Decision Analysts, Inc. they asked the question, “In the middle of a conflict on a day-to-day issue with your wife do you feel that your wife doesn’t respect you or doesn’t love you?  Four out of every five men chose that their wife didn’t respect them at that moment.  It may seem odd that men... read more

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Coming January 27, 2016

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“Closeness in Marriage Looks Different from What I Expected”

“Closeness in Marriage Looks Different from What I Expected”

A Fellow Wife shares her perspective 3 years into her journey to become a godly wife. This is a follow up to Monday’s post about  oneness in marriage – that there is a healthy amount of space needed in a godly marriage: One (personal) thought I have is that closeness with your husband looks and […]

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