Let’s continue trying to get out of the Downward Spiral of Doubt that is created when your wife has insecurity about your love for her. In this post we are going to look at some things that Shaunti and Jeff Feldhaun found surprising when they interviewed wives in their book, “For Men Only” and look at some of the things that can cause these doubts to creep out to the surface.
I know that as a husband I want my relationship with my wife to be in good shape, but how much time do I spend thinking about whether it is in good shape. Chances are unless my wife tells me it isn’t I haven’t thought about it very much. In my mind if it was good yesterday then it should be good today. It turns out your wife doesn’t think that way. In fact 70% of women would say that the state of their relationship is on their mind often or nearly always. If the woman was under 45 this number rose to over 90 percent and was almost universal for women with children.
The Peacefulwife would describe it this way. A woman always has a bunch of windows up on her desktop. It is almost impossible for her to shut certain windows. One of those windows is the “Does he love me” window. It will stay up no matter how hard she tries unless she is reassured by her husband.
The next thing that was noticed in the interviews was that when the wife felt insecurity with her relationship the emotion associated with this was extremely debilitating. A wife has trouble with almost every other aspect in her life until this feeling is resolved. Her whole world is in turmoil until she is able to have that doubt diminished.
The last surprise we talked about a little bit in the last blog. As a man we are made to be able to separate our feelings and our decision making pretty well. This is actually explained in that there is a connection that links the two halves of the woman’s brain that a man doesn’t have. It is almost like one half of your brain is for thinking and the other half is for feeling. A guy thinks that logically his wife should be able to tell that she’s loved. Shaunti Feldhaun explains that “if she doesn’t feel loved, it’s the same for her as if she isn’t loved”
Where as a man may have a fear that he will lose his job with only a few screwups, a woman feels that they could lose their man’s love with just a few issues. It is not that your wife doesn’t think you do not love her, it is the fear that you might not that drives her to keep it on her mind at all times.
So what are some things that might C-A-U-S-E a wife to doubt that you love her.
This seems obvious enough, but any potential thing that could give off the impression that you are unhappy with your wife or displeased counts in this category. You may not even notice that you have caused this until later on. It is important to remember to watch what we say and how we say it.
Away from Home
Anytime that you are away for work obligations or with the guys unless she gets a good reminder of your love for her is going to be seen as a blow to her security. A woman will take
Basically, if the window didn’t get closed the first time it is like that program that keeps popping up on your computer screen. No matter if you go to the task manager to try to delete it. It is still going to keep coming back until you resolve the issue.
Husbands tend to use fewer words than their wives on average so this one is a very easy one to fall victim to. Jeff Feldhaun describes this as “women have a radar for unspoken conflict”. The conclusion if you are quiet to your wife is that they must be the problem.
If there is the appearance of withdrawal by the husband, this can trigger the feeling. This is often troublesome because guys tend to set our mind quite easily to projects, TV, and other things. We also tend to take a lot longer when we are asked a question by our spouse and this time without an answer can create the feeling of doubt.
Just like we are when we have had a hard time at work, a wife can be more sensitive if she has had a hard day at work or with the kids. The Peacefulwife also would say that when her hormones are crazy her ability to see my love is much worse.
Now that we have seen the C-A-U-S-E of the Downward Spiral of Doubt in the next blog we will try to effectively reassure our wives that we love them.