We have been looking at Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and specifically at how husbands can show love to their wife. Dr. Eggerichs uses 6 basic areas to express how a husband can do this and they follow the letters C-O-U-P-L-E. We have made it to P which talks about peacemaking.
Should we expect that marriage is always going to be hunky-dory with no problems? While we all strive to try to live in as peaceable fashion as possible with our spouse we sometimes drift from being the peacemaker. Maybe it is frustration or just selfishness that gets the best of us. How do we get out of the funk and put the pieces back together?
Back a couple of weeks ago, I had a time when April was kind of out of sorts. She was working on some things and was struggling with finding the balance. The issues didn’t have a lot to do with me but it caused me to kind of clam up because she was struggling with it. Being quiet and kind of waiting for her to get it together didn’t have a real positive effect and if anything made things worse.
Usually, we both kind of see what is going on and stop and talk about things. In short order we are usually back on track and both feel better about things. This time, we were in the middle of a really hectic week with kids’ activities and schedules and when it looked like things might start to calm down we seemed to get even more on our plate.
I had gotten worn out from everything. Too much to do and no end in sight. So, I went into a funk. A negative funk! I wasn’t interested in being bothered with anything and I didn’t want to talk about anything unless you wanted to hear a negative thought about it. Not my best.
So, I had taken a time when April was out of sorts on something not related to me and let that get me in a bad mood. This likewise had the effect of throwing her even further out of whack. Well, eventually we both got it together and talked about things and figured out we had both made each other miserable for a couple of days.
Conflict is like putting a well-constructed Lego set into a plastic bag and then shaking it. You may only have a few pieces come off on the first shake but with each successive shake more pieces will fall off at a time. Pretty soon it gets hard to tell what the set was to start with. At some point the whole thing is going to be pieces until you decide to start reconciling. You may have to get the instructions out but you can build it back and put it together and maybe it can be as great or stronger than it was before.
Dr. Eggerson says, “your wife will probably recognize it much sooner than you do. She can feel rejected by you in a way that you do not feel rejected by her; consequently, she wants to have things resolved between the two of you, and she will move toward you to get this done.” This is something guys usually will not do. We tend to move away and give space with the hopes that things will get resolved and then we can come back together. Unfortunately, we have to move toward each other usually to solve any problems. Finding peace between you and your wife is something that brings a powerful comfort to her and may actually help solve other issues she may be having.
The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:28, “Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles.” A husband and wife is bound to have some bumps and occasionally some bruises in their marriage walk. Dr. Eggerson summarizes this by saying, “It is as if God is saying I’m going to allow for tension to exist in your marriage. I intend for you to work this out, because as you work out your tensions, your relationship is going to deepen and then deepen some more, and you’re going to continue to go through life working it out-back and forth, back and forth.”
So, be careful to watch out for negativity rising up from you or your partner. It inevitably will but the sooner you catch it and then have a heart to heart with your spouse the sooner you will be able to find a time of peace. Making up is so much easier than the dread of isolation and space. Seek to find ways to do some checkups and minor surgery along the way as well.