I spent years pursuing my wife. I talked with her about my dreams, goals, and future plans. I carried her out to nice restaurants, movies, concerts, and all types of fun activities. I made it a point to show her I loved her by cuddling, hugs, kisses, and telling her how much I loved her. Now that we are married, she knows that I love her and I will love her forever, right?
Well, not exactly.
Turns out a wife doesn’t feel permanently loved by you. It isn’t that she doesn’t know that you love her, but when there is a doubt triggered she needs to hear it again. She needs to have some security right then and there that you still love her.
I am planning to spend a little time blogging about topics discussed in For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhaun. I read it some time ago, but it is a good source for some truths about the inner workings of women.
Jeff Feldhaun explains, “Buried inside most women – even those in great relationships – is a latent insecurity about whether the man really loves them.”
It turns out that wives have this insecurity all of the time and try to keep it bottled up inside. When anything pops up on the radar that could warrant any doubt in your wife, that insecurity quickly takes hold of her whole body. She is basically paralyzed in everything that she does until you can assure her that you love her and everything is alright.
I have screwed this up so many times since we have been married. I can’t count how many times I told the Peacefulwife, “Listen, I love you. You don’t have to worry about it. If I decide to stop loving you I will let you know.” Somehow, this very logical approach on my behalf was not the assurance that the Peacefulwife really needed at the time.
In fact, your wife logically knows you love her the whole time. The problem is that unlike us, logic isn’t where the problem is. The problem lies in the emotional feeling your wife has tied to her doubt. So, no matter how dumb it may seem to us that there would be any doubt about our love, this is an indication that there is a “breach in your wife’s confidence about whether you really love her.”
Well, if you are anything like me, when illogical emotions are out playing on your Merry Go Round what do you do? You get confused and frustrated. This is because you feel that if she can be upset when I didn’t even do anything stupid, how can I possibly please her. I have enough issues trying to keep from messing up on my own to have to handle this as well.
Let’s stop right there. At this point, we could hold our hands up. We could go to another room and not deal with it. We could tell our wives, “Let me know when you get over this?” Unfortunately, all of these possibilities only reinforce the feeling that your wife has. So, you could go from having a wife that has some minor doubt about whether you love her to a wife that has in her mind some real tangible proof that you don’t.
What a can of worms we have opened? How can we get out of this? Over the next few blogs we are going to answer this question. Turns out most of these insecurities about your love for your wife are pretty easy to resolve. I think you will find that the sooner we can take steps to stop the downward spiral, the sooner we can be back to enjoying the ballgame.